Dispatches from Parental Leave

& actually just the one dispatch I could manage with our puffling

It’s been over two months since I’ve written because it’s been over two months since we welcomed a miracle baby boy into the world. I am writing this morning from the nursing chair in our bedroom in the who-knows-how-many-minutes I have before the baby wakes up.

After chemo treatments for cancer a few years ago and all of the anxieties of the first trimester, we are so grateful he was born healthy. Chance came into the world right on his time and in the way that both of he and I needed, though different than what we had planned.

Building a little baby human from the inside out is one of the most singular and transformative acts of creativity and collaboration I’ve experienced so far in my life. A nurturing process that involved my whole family and so many friends. There is so much to say about the pregnancy, birth experience, and my and my husband, Patrick’s, mental, physical and emotional health and relationships in the “fourth trimester” and newborn phase, much of which I will leave aside for the moment.

This is such an incredibly universal experience for many that other parents will not be surprised by ours. I am in a new kind of awe of them.

What I will say is that the hours slip through my fingers like quicksand these days. Between being totally mesmerized by Chance learning to find his own mouth with his fingers, to staring into his eyes with curiosity and consuming love, and scurrying to somehow both take care of our basic needs as parents (sleep, eat, hydrate, shower) while also keeping the house and necessities for the baby afloat (pump, breastfeed, wash bottles and parts, do endless laundry), the sun has somehow risen and set every 12 hours or so and we are completely exhausted again.

I, incredibly naively, imagined that parental leave (one I’m very lucky to have in the U.S.) would be a blissful time of caring for our new baby. I imagined he would sleep easily and often, day and night. During that time I would read and write, rest, recover, tend to the garden, and maybe take on a creative project or finish one on the backburner. I’m not quite sure where I got this idea, maybe the episode of The Office where the camera crew asks Pam about her parental leave and she enthusiastically replies, “it rocked, it rocked my ass off.”

Instead, following an unplanned c-section, I had a very challenging first month where it was physically painful to pick up our baby, climb into and out of bed five or more times a night for feedings and diaper changes, and try to recover as the hormones crashed down around me and we learned to do so much for the first time. Having family visit and such a supportive partner in Patrick are the only way I imagine we made it through.

In the second month we have found a bit more of a rhythm and found our way closer to the goals we had for this chapter of our lives:

• keep the baby alive and healthy

• shower him with love

• expose him to Haitian Kreyol and English

• read together

• take care of ourselves as new parents (as individuals and a team)

Maybe a tall order, but one we meet, more often than not.

We have adapted plans to adjust for our newest roommate in some cases like keeping him home from a planned trip to Philly and a major soccer game. And also pushed ourselves to bring him along for adventures and outings that are meaningful to us though they have tested our developing parenting chops and ability to navigate logistics and the sheer quantity of baby stuff we now take everywhere.

In June, we took Chance on his first roadtrip to New England so Patrick, my mom and I could go out on a boat to see puffins off the coast of Maine. We left him in the warmth and trusted and loving hands of some of our longest family friends.

After a two-day road trip to Massachusetts, we drove up to Boothbay Harbor early the next morning to meet the ferry boat. We sat on the top deck on the ride out in the bitter cold air of Maine on a summer morning with multiple layers of sweatshirts and jackets to listen to an Audubon guide describe all of the birds and animals we would see during the three-hour tour.

After detailing a litany of animals with large poster boards of their pictures, she got to the star of the show: the majestic, and tiny, puffin.

Among the many facts and stories we heard about puffins that day is that they lay one egg per year.

“Puffins divide the responsibility of raising their one puffling 50/50, alternating staying with their baby and going out to bring back food.”

This was received by scattered and enthusiastic applause and cheers on the top deck of the boat. As always, we have more in common with the animal world than we might imagine and a hell of a lot to learn.

photo by Lori Vinciguerra, the only one who brought a camera high-quality enough to catch these little guys

I thought of our little puffling back at home that day. And how much more complicated human lives and systems are, much as we might try to divide responsibilities 50/50. In a world where the reality is that we have different work benefits and time off, limited financial resources and capacity, and different skill sets and even biological abilities, I’ve found it is a bit more improvisational and fluid.

That said, this generation of fathers, and certainly the one in my house, are committed to getting as close as humanly possible to what the puffins have managed for who-knows-how-many years to perfect.

So here we are, doing our best with our little puffling, learning every day how to grow into our new family and continue our creative passions in small ways (writing for me, music for Patrick) with the support of an incredible village of friends and family, guided by their experiences and an intuition we’re trusting more and more.

What I’m loving right now:

• Napping, the rare uninterrupted meal, and taking a shower

• Reading and singing to my baby and catching him smile in his sleep

• Postpartum doula support: I wish I had thought of this right after we got home from the c-section. If you have the ability and resources after birth, I highly recommend some additional support especially as first-time parents and with the physical and medical challenges that follow that experience.

• Baby-wearing class: this was one of the best gifts we received from a colleague, we got to test out different carriers and wraps and it has been a game-changer.

• Wild Dark Shore by Charlotte McCounaghy. In the last week of leave, in addition to writing, I have finally managed to pick up a couple of books again and this one is exceptional (as are all of Charlotte’s books)

• Nice Girls Don’t Win by Parvati Shallow. The rare celebrity memoir I have read, a very interesting glimpse into the personal experience and psychology of one of my favorite Survivor players of all time who faced really intense sexism from the editors of the show and media in her early seasons and has come through that experience and the trauma of the cult-like elements of a commune where she grew up.

• Bedtime which mercifully comes each and every day